A blog about the fear of blogging.

When I was a kid I wanted to sing, I wanted nothing more than to be a pop star. I remember putting on concerts for my family from a very young age. Mostly I remember performing for relatives more so than my immediate family, they were all smart, they knew better. My spectators were always told to sit down and be quiet until I said it was over. My five-year-old self would have given Naomi Campbell a run for her money.

When I was about nine I got into the Australia Youth Choir, that’s the choir that features on the Qantas ads, so of course it was appealing. I went there for a while and absolutely hated it. I did not have a choir voice at all and I didn’t really like any of the other people, I mean come on, choir singers to my knowledge are not the liveliest bunch, so I pulled out. There was no Qantas ad in my future, so what was the point?

When I got a little older I had singing lessons with a very talented person. I was forced to accept at the age of twelve that I had a pretty restricted range and would never really be able to sing pop. My dreams of being the next Ginger Spice were brutally crushed. Little did I know, this would be my musical salvation, at this moment I was introduced to Jazz. I was quickly acquainted with Ella Fitzgerald, Bobby Darrin, Billie Holiday, Diana Krall and Miles Davis, just to name a few; I honestly feel like I’m cheating on all the others I’ve left out.

So with the encouragement and my newfound love, I was all about being a jazz singer. Much to my dismay, it never went anywhere. I was super shy; I didn’t have the confidence and was never sure if I could actually sing. I was terrified that I was just one of those stupid people on Australian Idol who think they can sing but sound like a cat being skinned alive. I pretty much put it on the back burner and tried to forget about it.... sort of. I had a hard time figuring out what I wanted to do when I finished school because I wanted to sing so much.

That was the reason I turned to journalism BIG MISTAKE. As much as it pains me to admit it, I am simply a product of my environment. After seeing Almost Famous, I desperately wanted to be a music journalist; I had big dreams to write for Rollingstone. I pretty much just wanted to be Ben Fong-Torres; who, I have to mention I share a mutual friend with on Facebook. Yes, it really is him.

So I went and studied journalism and much like the Australian Youth Choir, I absolutely loathed it. I was not aware that everyone had to start his or her careers by writing for the news. Oh man was it bad! You have to go and find a story yourself, you had to pull something out of thin air, find an angle. This idea to some people is absolutely thrilling; this idea for me was horrific. I remember there were many tears and lots of panic attacks. Studying journalism lead to running away to live in New York.

The dreams of being a music journalist went down the drain. I realized it was actually a good thing. It hadn’t really occurred to me that I would most likely have to listen to a bunch of music I really didn’t like; I wasn’t so up for that. I also lost faith in Rollingstone the day I saw Ashley Simpson on the cover, really Jann, really?

So basically singing goes hand in hand with blogging. I feel like they are really close friends, maybe even relatives. They share all the same feelings; nerves, anxiety, lack of confidence. I am aware that I have had this blog for a while now and have only posted four times because I still find it really hard, it’s basically a blog about the fear of blogging.

I know I do this every time. It must get really old for thy reader. I Promise I will get over it… eventually. I will also try to consider the contemplation of singing in front of other human beings…

*Clause – I want to state that even though I adore Jazz, I also love lots of different types of music. I feel bad for the rest of my beloved artists that I hold dear and neglected to mention. I, in no way intend to sound defamatory towards the journalism industry, the Australian Youth Choir and Rollingstone.

I just read my last post. It wasn't written so well. I'll try and make my next one better. =)

Little Red Love Re-call

Something I have feared for quite sometime has just come along and hit me like a freight train.

I have been trying hard not to acknowledge the fact that facebook gives us a license to be narcissistic, egotistical and self absorbed; this is a license that I shamelessly abuse. Yet I don’t know how to stop and I don’t know if it’s wrong.

This topic was evoked this evening between myself, and someone who can remain nameless. We somehow got on the topic of people who update their statuses’ a lot. He said he had a very low opinion of these people as well as bloggers, who he believed to be 'contrived, narcissistic and delusional,' at this point I revealed to him that I in fact had a blog, at this, I do not think he was surprised.

Now, this is someone who’s opinion I respect greatly. I always try to consider their point of view because I truly trust their judgment and intelligence. Even so, I was prepared to fight, not in an aggressive way; I was just intrigued by their strong views on the subject.

So we talked it out. He said that people, who update their statuses’ several times a day aka me, are people who are shamelessly after attention and approval. Sure, the attention thing I can admit too. I’m not starved for attention or anything like that, but I admit that its nice to be reminded that you’re mildly entertaining to people. Also, its nice to share your thoughts, feelings and happenings with your friends, families and your 300 random adds. The approval thing I do not agree with, but hey, maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe I’m wrong about this whole thing, maybe I am just trying to come up with excuses to abuse facebook. I mean I did write a blog post about the Little Red Love, but at least I admitted to it. I don’t pretend that I’m not addicted to it, but maybe that’s just a cop out too…

It’s kind of like this thing my friend Shootingstar and I talk about. We talk about how when we’re with an ‘easy’ crowed we crack really lame, easy jokes that we know will get laughs just for a) the pure satisfaction and b) because like I said, its easy. We talk about how after you do it, you just feel dirty, like you’ve whored yourself out to a cheap crowed; it really is almost sickening. I have to say, even though I admittedly do this, I also use humor as a defense mechanism, it’s a great ice-breaker and works like a charm, which isn’t as disgraceful as the cheap jokes.

So maybe facebook is the same? I don’t really know where to go from here. I do update my status a lot, I do seem to be tagged in photos a lot, and I have no plans to send these things to the grave. Though by saying this I am not claiming to be a narcissist, sure I probably am a little bit, but no more than anyone else on facebook. I am open about the fact that I am pretty neurotic and worry that I’m a completely ridiculous human being, but there isn’t much I can do about that. I try not to take it all that seriously. I try to think that most of the things I say or do on facebook are totally in jest, something I sincerely hope my facebook friends know.

One thing I can say about being an active facebook user is that I love facebook! I spend a lot of time on facebook and its not purely for my own personal indulgence; I genuinely enjoy reading everyone else’s updates and looking at their photos and revelling in any other ode that may arise in the land of facebook.

P.S. I didn't really know how to process the notion that bloggers were dubbed as being 'contrived, narcissistic and delusional,' so naturally I put that under my 'about me' section on facebook.

Alexander Supertramp & Little Red Love

Did you know that there are people out there who abandon all their belongings to go live a simple existence on the land? I am quite sure none of these people know about the pure joys of little red love aka facebook notifications.

At the moment I am reading Into The Wild - The story of a young man from a well-to-do family who hitchhiked across America to Alaska. His name was Christoper McCandless aka Alexander Supertramp. He had given $25, 000 in savings to charity, abandoned his car and most of his possessions, burnt all the cash in his wallet and walked in the wild.

It was actually turned into a movie a few years ago. Directed by Sean Penn and starring Emile Hirsch. It really is an amazing movie. Each time I watch it, I sob for about an hour afterwards. However, the book really is something else. I definitely recommend it!

Anyway, I find the idea of running away from civilisation pretty fascinating. Making a decision to live such a drastic lifestyle like that seems like it would have been much easier back in 1991. Back when we weren't ruled by the constant need for entertainment and little red love.

Last night I discussed the concept of this little red love with a friend of mine. We talked about the excitement of it and the secret need for it. That feeling you get when you log on to facebook to find that you have not only one little red love, but two! Your heart immediately soars to heights unknown.

The reason why I call it little red love is because each notification is a little tangible moment of love. At that very instant one of your facebook 'friends' - real friends, relatives, acquaintances, friends of friends, childhood friends, someone you once met whilst drunk or all of the above, has thought of you and has decided to express it by acting accordingly.

It is also called little red love because it is something nice and positive. I'm pretty sure no one ever posts something mean on your wall or makes a bitchy comment on a photo telling you how bad you look in that outfit. This is because most of the people you are friends with on facebook actually like you, find you somewhat entertaining or at the least are happy to tolerate you. Hopefully the people who hate you and think you are a ridciulous human being have deleted you. So bring on the little red love!

Time.

I always thought I would be a fantastically devoted blogger who wrote about funny and witty things every few days; sadly I am not. The main reason for this is due to the fact that I am extremely self-conscious about my writing. Having spent 18 months rejecting writers will probably do that to you.

The reason I have decided to post something is because I have had a few nudges from people lately, so I thought I’d better hop to it!

This blog posting is going to be devoted to TIME - something that is both friend and foe. For example, I honestly don’t really have time to be updating my blog as I’m supposed to be finding one song that sums up my musical taste and that also, when I listened to it for the first time, had such a strong reaction, that I felt that it “changed everything”. A simply impossible task that I am supposed to undertake for a subject at uni; something I am quite sure any music addict in their right mind could never accomplish.

Along with that, I don’t really have time to be blogging as I’m supposed to be organising a shooting schedule which needs many hours to stress over before actually finishing – this actually goes hand in hand with the daily neurosis of stressing about whether I can actually cut it as a film producer – that of which is an entirely other blog posting altogether.

Time is something that is constantly on my mind; in fact I’m going to assume it’s on everyone’s mind, hell I’m not special! Time is one of those things that I’m not completely satisfied with and feel like I’m forever whining about – which I admit, should probably stop now.

For instance, I would really love for the next few weeks to go super slowly because I have so much to do; on the other hand I want the next two years to go super fast so that I can finish uni and move back to New York.

Well at this point I should probably just stop worrying about time, god knows I’ll be worrying about everything else!

I am going to dedicate the bottom section of my posting to fellow bloggers who I admire greatly.

Firslty, to the devine Eve Kelso – who I saw briefly the other day and always makes me feel sunny. She a started a travel blog last week and it’s truly wonderful. You should check it out! http://evekelso.blogspot.com/2010/03/first-hit.html

Secondly, I would like to plug the splendid blog AdHoc Mom. It’s written by two fabulous women who hale from Brooklyn. The blog is brilliantly funny and witty and I promise that you’ll be entertained, even if you don’t have kids!
http://www.adhocmom.com/